A Merry Christmas letter from my long lost Uncle Andrew Bankwhippe

In the spirit of a very merry Christmas I am going to re-create a commemorative annual Christmas letter from my imaginary Uncle Andrew from sunny El Dorado, Argentina, circa 1991.

Dear Everyone,

Every Xmas I love curling up before the fire with a warm snifter of twelve-year-old Dr. Pepper and writing to you.

There is a new fad for people with too much time on their hands. Out of body experiences are all the rage here. How can you buy a drink like that? Again, my son Charles is ahead of the pack.  He has out of mind experiences daily without even concentrating.

The twins, Gub and Bug had a birthday this year and Matilda redecorated the tyke’s room featuring her specially designed wall paper with our favorite Rorschack figures in pastel pink and blue. I couldn’t resist getting them a matching pair of rocking sphinxes from our Xmas catalogue (5% off).

There is still time to take advantage of my clearance on “WHO COULD REFUSE?” generic gifts. They are the perfect solution for the listless shopper. Perfect for those bland people cluttering up your life, these gifts are not offensive, expensive or personal. Stock up today! One price fits all!

All the pre-occ with saving time can have tragic results when taken to extremes. When daylight savings time (DLST) was started in El Dorado, a friend of mine went to absurd lengths. If you don’t think DLST is absurd try milking 130 cranky Holsteins an hour before they’ve had coffee. But I digress.

My friend Nick was so impressed with DLST that he began squirreling away a few extra minutes every day. On good days he would save as much as five minutes and then go back for seconds.

Nick kept this to himself of course. But co-workers noticed that he was timorous and always on a short fuse. The timbre of his voice was thin and he developed a nervous tic. He insisted that it was temporary, that he was having the time of his life. He would smile privately. No one could help him. Who had the time?

Then the inevitable happened. Nick accrued nearly a week of time and he planned to spend it as if there were no tomorrow. Now was his time to fly. You guessed it. While attempting to decipher a train time-table, his ticker quit.

Though Nick’s time never came, his heirs took all that  he had saved and split it six ways from Sunday.

We all know that times are hard for many people at year’s end. And we cannot forget that we can contribute greatly to those less fortunate than ourselves. I mean of course, the humorless. Next time a humorless person approaches you for help, give him a big smile and hearty hand shake. You could change a life. Help the humorless. Use the patented “Bankwhippe Hand Buzzer (TM)” at only $9.95 (US) exclusively from me. (Not found in stores! Do not accept substitutions! Buy Bankwhippe!)

Happy Holidays!

Uncle Andrew

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